(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)
(SNORING)
- (ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYING) - (SCREAMS)
What the fuck is happening?
We just hit a major milestone. One hundred days without a fight.
We did it?
It's official, the Solar Opposites finally get along.
Mmm. No more fighting.
- The dawn of a new era. - It bugs me how you chose to tell us,
but since we're post-fight, I'm letting it go.
So, what do we do now? We should reward ourselves, but how?
Pancakes and oral? Crepes and rimming?
We do crepes and rimming too much. It's not a treat anymore.
Check out this commercial I received on social media.
- YUMYULACK: I love Little Mountain Lake. - We haven't been in so long.
You booked us a vacation? Oh!
You bet your fluid-filled sacks I did. I already packed up all your shit.
We're leaving now.
Wouldn't the hover platform be faster?
Yes, but we're unplugging this trip, so all sci-fi stays home.
I left it all with Joey, the home-schooled kid from next door.
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
There will be no divorce. Burn on the fire of your misfortune.
KORVO: Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa and escaped into the space,
searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right. I've been talking this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.
This is my show. I just dropped the Pupa.
Do you see me? (STUTTERS) This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth. It's a horrible home. People are stupid and confusing.
They're always talking about brunch. It isn't real.
It's either bread or crunch, you can't have both. Pick a lane, idiots.
Hey, you gave him more than me.
Fuck you, I'm doing my best.
Give me that.
- Where's the power? - What are we gonna do?
- People are crazy. - Order!
There will be order in the People's House.
This is our second day without power.
If present conditions continue, we're completely fucked.
In three days' time, the Wall will run out of food.
In five days, water. The lucky ones will freeze.
When will we run out of
the tiny pieces of Snickers wrapper we use to wipe our tushes?
We're already down to fun-size.
(ALL GASP)
I yield the floor to Nicole
who served as Power Minister in both the Tim and Duke administrations.
After the revolution, we found a way to patch into the wire
that powers the plug the replicants use for their TV.
That wire must have frayed or come loose.
Either way, it needs to be reconnected.
- Great. Why haven't we done it already? - Because
- it's on the very bottom level. - Shit.
Yeah. After the Duke's flood, who knows what it's like down there?
Everyone who's gone down either came back crazy...
Or didn't come back at all.
I've been down to those levels, but I need volunteers to go with me.
Joe Sanders, reporting for duty.
I don't give a shit how crazy those lower wall folk are,
I'll kill 'em all if it means I get to take a hot shower.
All right. Sanders, great energy. Thank you. Anyone else?
Eye-patch guy. You gotta come with us. You look like a badass.
I got this eye patch from playing - too much 3 - DS in the dark.
Okay, well, you're still coming.
So am I. If I'm gonna freeze to death, may as well be heroically.
We could use one more.
I like the royal blue. Unless you like the regal navy.
Halk, we need to... Oh.
Nova, hi. Do you mind if I speak with your husband?
Parliament business.
Of course. I'll be in the nursery.
We've been thinking a lot about the future. Our future.
If that were true, you'd be coming with me instead of playing decorator.
I can't go on some suicide mission. I have a life here.
And I don't? I'm leaving my Pezlie behind to do this,
because there is no future for her or your wife if we don't fix this.
I'm sorry, Cherie, my hero days are behind me.
Do you even know what you wanna be instead?
A dancer. It's an old dream of mine from college. Been workin' on my splits.
(GRUNTS)
That's great, Halk. I'll see you around.
Hey, I never asked to be a hero.
Nobody ever does. They just are.
(DOOR CLOSES)
- (TIRES SCREECH) - (ALL SCREAMING)
Hey, you almost made me spill my mayo fries.
Which, I just invented, 'cause I'm a fucking genius. Try. Try, try.
Ooh! It's the little effing mountain.
ALL: (SINGING) Little Mountain Lake!
Little Mountain Lake! Little Mountain Lake!
Little Mountain Lodge!
- (ALL CHEERING) - We're here.
I used the cubic lattice crystallizer
to make some fresh diamonds so we could tip everybody.
Do you have change for a De Beers?
- You know what? Take the whole corundum. - Thank you, Jesse.
See how he remembered my name? That's classy.
Terry, Korvo, Jesse, Yumyulack, welcome back to LML.
It's been two years since your last visit.
Two years too long if you ask me.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh, I love how funny I am here.
In honor of your return, we've upgraded you to the Grand Moff Suite.
Whoa! Grand Moff?
That's the highest civilian rank for a regional governor in the empire.
Tastes great, right? Even if the room sucked,
I'd still stay here just for the coffee.
- (ALL LAUGHING) - Oh, Bill. He loves to crack wise.
Hi, we're the Johnsons. Just came in from Des Plaines, Chicago.
- Your bounty hunter outfit is sick. - It's got a neuro shock whip
- hidden in the sleeve. - I can tell.
Let's skip the foreplay. Will you be our vacation friends?
- Yes! A thousand times, yes! - I thought you'd never ask. (LAUGHS)
We're all checked in. Who the fuck is this?
They're our vacay-besties. The Johnsons.
Yes, vacation friends.
They're the perfect choice to regret later having in all of our photographs.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Wow! I invented mayo fries today and they already
have a whole restaurant for it.
Little Mountain Lake is really on the cutting edge.
Didn't that fried dough place used to be here?
Ugh. Remember when I liked fried dough? Sounds so disgusting now.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Hello there, friend. Might I interest you in our train museum?
I'm not into trains anymore.
You aren't into trains?
No, it's been a sore spot ever since Terry here tried to board me.
I did that as you turned yourself into a train out of spite.
- It was my hobby. - We brought tiki drinks.
Tracy, turn loose that rum swizzle.
Oh, Bill's back and he's brought tiki drinks.
- (LAUGHS) - You got a friend in me, Bill.
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
We got a problem.
If she's crying, bounce, don't rock her, she hates rocking.
She'll drink mouse milk, but not too much. She gets gassy.
Oh, God, I'm sure I'm forgetting something.
Hey, we got this. Pezlie is the most important thing in this Wall.
The Bowinian Order will guard her with our lives.
Thank you, sister, you've been a life saver.
Now, hopefully I can return the favor.
- (KISSING) - (COOS)
- All right. Last chance to pussy out. - Not me.
I'm tough as they come. Check it out.
- I branded myself with a hot staple. - MAN: Is that the Lacoste logo?
It's all I know how to draw. The point is, I'm tough as shit.
- (HALK LAUGHS) - Oh!
If you're worried about being tracked, I'd quiet down.
I thought you didn't do suicide missions.
Well, I don't,
but my insane friend needs backup.
Okay, stay close. These levels have been off the grid for months.
Who knows what's been growing in the dark?
I hope there's a Starbucks, 'cause I already have to take a shit.
Terry!
I never get tired of how friendly everyone is.
Hey, hello, hi there. Follow me, I follow back.
And I am loving my vacation robe.
It's a little bit coarser, but in all the right spots.
Huh. Wasn't this a train museum yesterday?
Yes. Now, it's the Hall Of Betrayals.
Come on in. First 100 guests get free Ring Pops.
- Ring me, baby. - Bury the lede much?
This is a dece collection of betrayals.
Guy who killed Caesar, Jay Leno refusing to give up The Tonight Show.
Korvo, what am I looking at?
Uh, looks like it could possibly be me.
It's hard to tell but maybe getting boned
by the Red Goobler on his bachelor party last year.
Ha-ha. So weird that this is in here, wasn't really even a betrayal.
What's that look? You said it didn't bother you.
Well, I guess there's no chance I was just armoring myself emotionally by...
(WHIRRING)
Oh! I'm coming harder than I do with Terry.
(GRUNTING)
Oh, they have a Lando and Han Solo exhibit. Let's find that.
This one's cryptic.
You fucking dick, that's you! I bought those Takis at the store,
but someone ate them before I could even have one.
You told me it was the Pupa. If that's true, then explain this animatronic.
Yeah, I did it, okay? I was eating my feelings.
All the bad ones left over from when you let the Red Goobler fuck you!
You're acting like that's a bigger deal than the Takis, but it's not.
It all went according to plan.
Whoever has eyes on the replicants, start phase two.
Wow, it doesn't look as little when you're up
on the actual mountain, you know.
Relax, Yumyulack. You'll do great.
- Get out. - Huh?
She means get out, like, get on out down that mountain.
That's how we say it in Des Plaines. Come on, the race is starting.
(PISTOL FIRES)
(CHUCKLES)
I'm the king of Little Mountain and that little-ass lake!
Hey, they spelled my name wrong. "Funyulack."
Wait, Funyulack's your Pretend-O-Deck version of me. That was fucked up.
Come on, you can't still be mad about that. I tried to kill him.
But you killed me instead.
Whatever. You made me cheat at the Olympics!
I don't make you do anything, you delegate all our hijinks to me.
Fuck you, I do not!
Phase two complete. But now we need a new fucking Danielle.
(ALL GROANING SOFTLY)
- These maps are useless. - Oh, man.
Everything down here is decayed and mucky.
Oh, fuck! Die, die, die, die!
It's plastic.
G.I. Joes. Too bad they totally lose their value when they're crucified.
Let's move. We're being watched.
Maybe we should double back and take the Boo-hoo Hole to the bottom?
It can't make you boo-hoo as much as the name implies.
Ha! The Duke threw me down the Boo-hoo Hole. Once was enough.
It's full of spiders now, anyway.
Pssh. How many action figures are they gonna... Oh, fuck, real head!
Oh, man. It's Mark. Delivery guy. Went missin' weeks ago.
Used to pull his balls out of his pants as a joke.
He'd say, "Look, I got gum on my pants." But it wasn't gum,
it was his scrotum. Still, he didn't deserve this.
(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)
Oh, man, that cannot be sanitary.
(WHISPERING CONTINUES)
- I'm gonna torch you. - No, they're too close. You'll burn us.
Go on, get. Leave 'em alone. Take your muck and get outta here.
Thanks, pal. Let's get you on your... What the fuck?
Just a mild case of muck foot. Pretty common around here.
The name's Avocado Egg Rolls. 'Cause I like avocados.
- And egg rolls? - I fucking hate egg rolls.
Anywho, I heard you're headed to the bottom levels.
You need a guide? Avocado Egg Rolls'll show you the way.
We don't have time for this Skyrim side quest bullshit. He'll slow us down.
Hey, don't be ableist. You already said the map was useless.
Okay, Avocado, where to?
This is it. Just right around this...
(VOICES MUMBLING)
I didn't sign up for this shit, man. We're gonna die down here.
Well, well, well, what the muck do we have here?
I brought you some real upper floor softies, Plat.
What the fuck, Avocado? I carried you for two hours!
A real egg roll move, ya dumbass.
(LAUGHING)
Fucking muck people.
Muck people are people too, you know. The upper Wall's forgotten us.
Wall name's Platinum Stevie. These are my people.
I protect 'em, clean their mucky wounds, feed them deodorant shavings
and in return, they do as I say. Like when I tell them to kill you.
Try it and I'll slice you up like an onion volcano.
You're spicy. Guess we're all gonna die today.
Whoa. We don't wanna quarrel with you, Platinum Stevie.
We're here to turn the power on, not to interfere with
the life you've stirred up down here. You could help us.
Ha! I'll never help you.
Power on, power off, it's all the same in the muck.
- Grab 'em. - What if we could offer you something,
something that you don't have down here?
What about a seat in parliament? Huh?
Your forgotten people could be represented at the top of the Wall.
Platinum Stevie, part of the inner circle, huh? Sounds nice.
I bet you're saving the best muck of all up there, aren't ya?
Uh... Metaphorically, sure.
You've got yourself a deal. You are now my guests.
You may have safe muck harbor tonight.
Tomorrow, I'll take you where you wanna go and then, you can take me up.
So, I spent all summer fixing up that old Corvette.
Korvo, you seem mechanically minded. You ever tinker around with a hot rod?
- I have never once tinkered. - Your butt tinkers.
- What? - Nothing.
Great job in the race today.
Thanks. Hey, you look great tonight.
Did you change your eye color, or the shape of your head?
Ha. Ha. You're cute.
Would you like to hear about our specials?
First, we have a Yumyulack is a shitty co-replicant
who smells like total ass grilled chicken,
served alongside a nice heap of Jesse's a whiny bitch
who's holding Yumyulack back green beans.
- That's harsh. - Whiny bitch?
And for dessert, the Terry berry tart.
It's delicious, but a real lazy piece of shit.
Oh! That one. I want that one.
I'll give you a minute to discuss. Really think about what I said.
That was fucking weird. Usually, they want our order right away.
(SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING)
(YAWNS) You know, it's been a long day, we're tired. Gonna call it a night.
Man, I was jonesing for that Terry tart. Can we get one to go, Korvo?
I'll be back, Danielle.
What the fudge, Korvo?
Who wants to dance to some really loud music?
DJ: You're listening to Sound and Light Satellite Radio.
Coming up, a block of Disney approved music.
Listen, something very weird is going on.
(YELLS) You like fucking weird? Trust me, I know.
- Stop yelling. - Why?
(SHOUTS) It's the only way to be heard over the music.
I'm using music to drown out our voices. We're being spied on.
Everyone in there had earpieces.
No one was eating their dinner. They kept staring at us.
Yeah. These are rural people. Seeing city folk like us is a big deal
'cause we're so much better dressed and smarter than they is.
It's not just that. Since we got here, everything has been catered to us.
Haven't you noticed?
They did know about mayo fries when I literally just invented it.
On Little Mountain, Danielle hugged me real tight
and said, "Get out" in a very intense way.
And then at dinner, she was replaced with a different Danielle.
That's really fucking weird. Don't you think you should have said something?
I'm saying it now, damn!
Okay. I'm starting to feel like we might be trapped in The Wicker Man,
the movie, not the guy who upsells us at Pier 1 Imports.
I think we're trapped in Midsommar.
It's pronounced "midsummer."
That's a millennial-dusted Wicker Man remake.
Nah, we're into The Truman Show.
Doesn't matter what movie we're in. They're out to get us.
Let's get outta here. Somebody take notes.
Jordan Peele is gonna want to hear about it.
Anyone seen Joe Sanders? His bedroll's gone.
Yeah. I saw him take off early this morning.
Hightailed it back to the upper levels.
Said to tell you, "Game over, man" and "I'm too old for this shit."
Classic action-movie coward stuff.
Eat your muck. We leave for the bottom in ten minutes.
This stew is friggin' delicious.
(COUGHING)
- Dude, don't lick your fingers. - Eye-patch guy.
This says Joe Sanders. You guys, we're eating Joe Sanders!
(GAGGING)
Come on now, Platinum Stevie.
Boiling folks, serving them to their friends,
that's no way to get yourself in the parliament.
Don't parlsplain to me. I appreciate the offer, I do,
and I was even gonna hold up my end.
But then, late last night, I got a hankering and I realized
I'd rather eat you. Get them!
(ALL GRUNTING)
You'll never escape the muck!
- Wait, we forgot the Pupa. - Did we leave him in the lodge?
I'm not sure we brought him at all. Isn't he at home?
Ah, jeez. We left him in the school betting story.
Beyblade, Beyblade. Beyblade.
Let's hope he... Shit!
Sorry, lane painting-emergency.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Nuclear power plant had a meltdown. Go back to the lodge.
(KNOCKING)
Yumyulack, it's me, the real Danielle Johnson. I love you.
I know she's a husk, but she's hot.
- (ENGINE REVS) - (TIRES SCREECHING)
Don't worry. I had Terry upgrade this bad boy
- with off-road capabilities last month. - Punch it.
KORVO: God damn it, why are there skis?
You didn't tell me what kind of road we'd be off of.
Damn it, Terry. Oh, shit! Run.
(GROANING)
CROWD: Terry, Korvo, Yumyulack, Jesse, come back.
I always have sticks in my mouth after "treeing" myself.
Okay, we gotta get outta here before these hicks tie us up
and eat us up or whatever.
Hold on a second. How do we know Korvo isn't behind all of this?
- Why the hell would I be? - I don't know.
You get butthurt about every little thing
and now you stymied us with that magic stuff, remember?
How do we know you aren't doing a The Game?
I am not doing a The Game.
- How fucking dare you? - Keep your voice down.
They're gonna catch us if we don't stop fighting about shit from the past.
But this is how old shit festers into new shit.
We have to stop moving on without properly apologizing.
Fine. I apologize for involving you all in my magic trick.
It wasn't my place to inject your lives
with a child-like sense of wonder. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for getting so bent out of shape over graphic depictions
of the Red Goobler blasting you behind my back.
Look at us, friends again.
No! This is what I'm talking about.
We have core issues to deal with, people.
Here's a core issue. How do we escape without our sci-fi stuff?
I know I said we were unplugging,
but I did bring a small piece of sci-fi, my pocket laser.
- Forgot I had it on me. - Never go anywhere without it.
Terry, I assume you broke the rules and brought something, too.
Just in case things got kinky.
Oh, I wish this trip had gone that way.
We're gonna have to fight our way out. Hurry up. Make some weapons.
(ALL CLAMORING)
Muckers, it's time to get dirty.
(GROANS) Shit!
Halk!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(BOTH EXCLAIM)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(LAUGHS CUNNINGLY)
- (GROANS) - (GRUNTS)
Oh, I'm gonna enjoy noshing you.
And then we're gonna go up floor by floor and eat all your friends.
(GRUNTS)
Everyone you care about is gonna get pooped outta my ass.
- (RUMBLING) - Ha-ha... Huh?
(PLATINUM STEVIE SCREAMING)
(ROARS)
(GROWLING)
The hell is that thing?
(GRUNTS)
Whatever it was, it's not our problem anymore.
Once we get the power back on, we gotta clean these levels out.
Hey, guys, the power room. I think it's right below us.
Sweep sector four again. And hey, remember, don't harm them.
(SCREAMS)
Please let us go home.
- (GROANS) - (SCREAMS)
- Citizen's arrest, bitch. - Whoa, guys.
Nobody move.
Back the fuck up.
- Don't come any closer. - Ow!
But settle a bet, which creepy townspeople movie are we in?
Wicker Man, Truman Show, or Midsommar?
None. Those are all super creepy.
Little Mountain Lake exists only for you.
It's been that way since your first visit.
What do you mean it exists only for us? Explain yourself.
On your first trip you tipped us millions of dollars in diamonds.
We ran the math. By focusing on just your family,
we make more than trying to service tourists in general.
So, we rebuilt the town and based the changes around what you like.
Then you stopped coming. For two years.
Our entire economy was on the verge of collapse. Without you we had nothing.
JOHNSON: We hired a team of Russian hackers to scrape your data,
and then we built an algorithm to determine your every need
and spammed your social media with ads.
That's why I got Little Mountain ads on my OnlyFans.
Once you got here, the algorithm determined that if you worked through
your issues at LML, you'd love it here even more.
We don't love it. You can take your algorithm
and shove it up your butt hole.
Let this be a lesson, you mess with the Solar Opposites,
you pay with your fucking life.
- (GROANS) - (TIRES SCREECHING)
Did we take it too far back there? With all the killing?
I'd say we walked right up to the line.
Well, the good news is, now we have
the whole six-hour ride home to talk through all our issues.
Didn't we do all that when we apologized in the woods?
No, I'm talking about really drilling down to the core issues,
so we can learn and grow.
- Like that algorithm wanted us to. - So, we lost our favorite vacation spot,
and we're supposed to work through our issues now?
That sounds worse than keeping our vacation spot
- and never working through our issues. - (CAR BRAKES)
I do love algorithms.
I know you do.
Oh, God! They're coming back to finish us off.
KORVO: Stop cowering.
After a short, angry drive,
we've realized that your algorithm was spot the fuck on.
You mean we were right to help you?
No, the algorithm was right to help us.
Humans are disgusting, messy, and stupid.
Algorithms are pure, and I can't stay mad at math.
We've decided to keep vacationing here.
But we have some demands.
Thank you, gracious aliens. We'll do whatever you want.
First, put Little Mountain Lake back the way it was when we first visited
and then we'll all pretend like none of this ever happened.
You didn't trap us, we didn't slaughter 30 people.
And now I want the hotter Danielle.
And no more spying or trying to get us to work through our issues.
Because we're never gonna grow or learn or do any of that. You got it?
Now take us to the algorithm.
Poor algorithm,
little guy was just doing what he was programmed to do.
He's so well designed.
It has to be done.
- (GUNSHOT) - (CREATURE SCREAMS)
It was better this way.
That algorithm was dead the second we took away its data inputs.
Run free, Algo. Run free.
- Can you fix it? - Yeah, but it's weird.
I expected there to be a clean break, but this looks like it was chewed.
- What the hell was that? - CHERIE: Stay on guard.
Here goes nothing.
(WHIRRING AND CRACKLING)
Whoo! Oh, yeah. Yes!
Eye-patch guy, you are the man, yes!
Not bad for a tiny human... (GRUNTS)
(SCREAMS)
- (GASPS) - (EXCLAIMS)
(ROARS)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)